The Grump family history is a bit convoluted, as near as I can gather. After many hours of questioning them, I've got a page and a half of notes. It's hard to get real specific when the questions usually ended with 'Blink once for yes and twice for no.' Geez...! Anyway, I can tell you that Phineas was born and raised in some godforesaken goat pasture in the Northeast Kingdom of Vermont. He has a mixed bloodline....Scottish, Irish, French, a fair dose of Wooden Indian, and, I'm certain, Sumatran orangutan. He thinks he married Prunella back in the sixties. He said he knew her from that same Vermont goat pasture. From the strikingly similar physical characteristics, I would have to deduce that ole Phineas wed his cousin, his sister, or his mother. Considering their offspring, I would throw out the possibility that he married his cousin...too distant for the sort of perverted genetics that created the Grumpster. Due to the advanced years on Prunella's carcass, I would feel comfortable in throwing out the sister possibility, too. You know where that leaves us..hmmm! None of this really shocks me for I know how things can be over in Vermont.

Prunella..Prunella..Prunella...what can we say about her? For starters, she's one of those mental midgets who is addicted to the Weather Channel on the boob tube. That should cover a lot of territory. She puts her makeup on about an inch and a half thick...the theory here is that it lasts much longer if you just let it weather away! Grampa hopes she kicks the bucket so he can tan her hide for a new pair of work boots. That's a bit of a puzzlement to me because Grampa never wore out a pair of work boots in his life. I would prefer to see her hide stretched over some whalebone... one indestructable kayak there. Little is known about Prunella's past. I suspect she was born an old hag and has just become older and more haggardly. (Apologies to Merle) I'm trying to be kind here. The only thing of note in her past concerns the Seventh Fleet and some sort of boxing championship. I'm not at all clear on any facts about this...nor do I want to be!

On to the Grumpster. Not alot of history here, that is, if you don't count his history of juvenile arrests. This little SOB is only about eleven...going on forty! He drinks, smokes cigars, swears, abuses critters and doesn't eat vegetables or fruits. And I swear he never sleeps. He stole Grampa's false teeth one day and super glued them into the mouth of old Joe, the hound dog. I'll have to admit that I had to laugh about that. You see, Grampa and old Joe look an awful lot alike when you step back a piece. One of the neighbors got frightened out of her gourd and called the police, seemed she thought Grampa was tetched when it appeared he was howling from under the porch.

Grampa Grump is my favorite. He's a cussid old bast#%d for sure, but he's mostly harmless. In the summertime he sits on the porch in his cutdown longjohns. He has the notion that this sort of attire is a big turn-on to the ladies of the geriatric set.� His trick is to wear them backwards...with one of the buttons on the flap undone.� Does nothing for me!� It did do something for the widder Henplukker from down the road.� She had him arrested on some sort of morals charge last summer. I like to sit with him so I can watch his varicose veins throbbing away. Grampa's life has been one long vice....so much so, that I can't bring myself to reveal all his sordid accomplishments to a general audience. This is best left to whispers in some dark corner of a waterfront bar...after last call. He doesn't get along well with the neighbors, especially since one of them called the Coroners office to have him removed from under the lilac bush out front. They had him half in the body bag before they realized he wasn't dead. Seems he cried out when they tried to remove the wine bottle from his clenched hand. Poor Grampa! He was born a cussid little bast#%d back in the days of Daniel Boone...at least according to him. He also claims to have fought the Big One. I suspect it was a big jug that he was fighting ....probably won, too! He keeps regular company with some long time friends...Jim Beam, Jack Daniels and Old Duke. Poor Grampa!